"Create the Life You've Always Wanted"

In 2019 and 2020 the planner I used was the Passion Planner, and for 2021 I am preparing to use it again. The Passion Planner is the first planner to ever change my life for the better and teach me how to make the most of my time and reflect upon the time I have had.

Thanks to Passion Planner, in the last two years I have tried many new things, became more self aware, and have really been able to work towards the phrase that arrives with every Passion Planner, "create the life you've always wanted."

Back in December 2018 I had an opportunity to go to a New Year's event that was all about setting dreams into motion and bringing them to life. We did different exercises and games and activities that allowed for us to really start to think about what we wanted and what we could do to make dreams into goals.

In December 2018, I didn't know what I wanted. And I know this because of a very specific exercise we did at this event. We were given random partners and had to take turns asking each other what we wanted. And we didn't just ask, we repeatedly asked, and asked and asked until it turned into yelling, because figuring out what you want can be really hard when you don't know. Or when you never really thought about it. Or when you thought you didn't deserve what you wanted. Or you thought you didn't even deserve to even think about what you would want.

When you had self esteem that low and depression that high, you felt undeserving of anything. It felt insane to think that I could want a healthy give and take relationship, that I could want to have a different major, that I could be someone else.

I was trapped in this place of repetitive patterns where I would find someone or something to fall in love with, call a friend, even a best friend, and then it would turn sour, and end. The end. Red flags, snarky remarks, unusual requests, unreasonable excuses, unrealistic expectations, I would ignore. It doesn't matter how terrible these people or things were, I loved them, as they were sometimes nice to me, and they loved me, because I would do everything for them.

I recently read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck and to my own shock I realized I have spent the last two years trying to save myself from a fixed mindset. I had self diagnosed myself as a weak, emotional girl with invisible illnesses, who was incapable of healthy connections, infamous for sending emails that only therapists respected, trying to prove to the world that she could do things and actually belong.

That event in December 2018 where I broke down crying shocked that I could want more, something better. This lead to January 2019 where I opened my first Passion Planner, created my first roadmap, and started actively working to change my life.

Haha if only it was that easy.

At first I didn't do anything different even after I created some goals in the roadmap. And then as things didn't magically get any better, I decided that I really wanted to get better, and making change was going to be the only thing to do that.

I just started, by making one change at a time. Within two years, I ended the relationship I was in, started meditating, going to therapy support group, attending group fitness classes, reading "self help" books, keeping a food log, gratitude journaling, and learning as much as I could about leading a life containing a healthy body, mind, and soul capable and deserving of having healthy relationships, reaching dreams and achieving balance.

That I didn't have to be that girl trapped in a box of labels just trying to prove that she was good enough, giving away everything she had. Instead I could be a girl who had a consistent morning routine involving waking up early, meditating, gratitude journaling and exercising. A girl who chose to be intentional about the decisions she made, the things she picked up, the people she loved, and how her time was spent. A girl with a growth mindset believing that by trying, failing, and then trying again anyway, she could accomplish anything she put work, effort and passion into.

Don't let those limiting labels that others give you, and that you give yourself trap you in a box with a fixed mindset. Develop a growth mindset where you do what you once thought was the impossible. Turns out all you need is a Passion Planner, someone to yell at you asking you what you want, and a desire to change.

What do you want?

How are you going to "create the life you've always wanted"?

When I first realized I needed to change my mindset, I wrote about it in May 2019 in "Never Enough." Then when I realized that the way the past is remembered and reflected upon is a choice, I wrote about it in August 2020 in "Returning to social media, even as the memories can hurt and the past can haunt."