"Run from it all"

Hi. I know it has been a while. Usually here is where I would apologize that it's been forever, explain how busy I have been, and that everything has changed once again.

Through the years you have seen me grow and redefine what everything means. You have seen me fight battles with all my invisible illnesses. Yet the thoughts in my head sometimes still get the best of me. That's part of why I disappeared. Stopped writing, stopped posting.

I felt like I was starting to compare myself to all the other food allergy advocates out there. The perfect photos, regularly scheduled posts, cute comments, everything. I stopped posting on the website's Instagram and even posted less on my own personal social media accounts. I unfollowed many people I knew from middle school and high school. I archived and deleted lots of my old social media posts. I even deleted a few of my old blog posts from this website I didn't like anymore.

It felt easier to run away from writing and posting. To keep myself busy elsewhere. I've read close to one hundred books this year, especially if we count all the picture books. I think I've spent more time reading other people's poetry than writing my own.

Yet I'm still here writing this blog post while listening to Taylor's version of her entire Red album on repeat.

Well to be exact I didn't stop writing. Everyday this entire year I've written at least a list of five things I'm grateful for. And I started my third handwritten journal.

With only a month left of the year I'm reflecting on everything and wondering how I got here. A girl with a bachelor's degree, lots of plans for unwritten books and blank word documents.

I wonder what it would be like to not be scared. To just do things and not worry about what could happen. Then I remember what actually got me here. That I do things even though I'm scared. I take the risks and pour my entire heart into everything.

So this is me writing and posting what feels right and deciding to not feel bad for the length of time I've gone without doing this. I'm not going to tell you what I'm planning, as plans are planned to be broken, and I have been living one week, one day at a time.

I am living in the moment. And this year has been filled with so many moments. So much laughter and learning. So many experiences I never even imagined.

Perhaps it's because I have written down things I'm grateful for everyday, but all I have left for this year is gratitude. That we are still here, and doing the best we can in each moment.